Death Can't Keep Us Apart
by Stony22
Summary: When Steve meets an untimely death, Tony is left to take care of their infant son while coming to terms with their loss.


Tony knelt there at least three days a week, sometimes rambling or sitting in complete silence for hours. It became a ritual, and after intense battles where he almost lost his life he would curl up beside it, wrap his arms around it and rest his eyes. It was a place where he could express his anger, sadness, and happiness, and no one was around to bother him. Sure others visited on occasion, but not to the extent that Tony did.

The Avengers, S.H.I.E.L.D agents and the American public all missed him and had come to terms with what happened, but not Tony. It had been a year, and as he sat down in the grass alongside the last symbol of a life once lived he finally noticed the magnificence of all four seasons. He drank in the warmth of the sun during the summer, the vivid reds, oranges, and golds that covered the trees during the fall, the unique snowflakes that fell in the winter, and the new life that arose from the ground throughout the spring. Sadly it took loss to make him appreciate the beauty and life around him.

No matter how hard he tried to reach the final stage of the grieving process, Tony simply could not let go. He knew that he was gone and would never come back, but it didn't take away the memories, the love they shared, or all of the things he would miss. There were so many things he'd never get to see, and Tony wished he would have died instead. Thoughts of how much better life would have been for everyone if Steve and Tony had been in opposite positions in the hospital never left his mind, and occasionally he entertained the idea of suicide. While he believed there was nothing after life, at least he would be in the ground next to the one thing that made his life worth living. Whenever he brought the knife to his wrist or placed the noose around his neck, Tony would snap out of it and realize he did have something to live for; the little life that he and Steve created.

While Tony was afraid to be a parent and never thought they could make it work, Steve was adamant and unyielding in his desire for a child. Steve would leave pamphlets about the steps of fetal development in Tony's lab, books about the joys of parenting on his pillow at night, and he'd occasionally drag Tony into a Babies 'Я' Us to look at baby clothes. He was relentless, and after three years of assuring Tony that he would be a good father and that they were in it together, the two decided to try for a baby.

After careful deliberation and discussions about the steps of pregnancy, they decided that Steve would be the one who carried the baby. They were worried that pregnancy would put too much strain on Tony's heart, or that somehow the arc reactor would cause adverse effects to the fetus' development. Steve also reasoned that he would be able to handle childbirth better due to his fast healing abilities, and he secretly always loved the idea of carrying a child to full term within his body.

Before Steve was pregnant, Tony always thought the idea of pregnancy was disgusting. When he'd look at men and women's baby bumps he would feel sick to his stomach, and he imagined how unpleasant it would be to fuck someone with a life growing inside of them. The whole idea of watching a partner grow in the span of nine months disgusted him, and he always looked at it on a superficial level and pictured stretch marks and people that never bothered to try and lose the weight they'd gained during the process. When it was Steve carrying his child, however, his feelings completely changed. As Steve's belly began to grow and he developed the tell-tale signs of pregnancy, Tony was elated. He worshiped Steve's baby bump at every opportunity, kissing it in bed, caressing the smooth, lightly stretch marked skin during love making, and whispering in his husband's ear telling him just how beautiful he looked. Steve looked positively radiant, and his pleasant, enthusiastic energy enveloped Tony completely.

On the day of the birth, however, everything changed. Steve's water broke unexpectedly at the eight and a half month mark of his pregnancy after a session of tender lovemaking with Tony, and he began to hemorrhage. Tony quickly helped Steve off of the bed, called a S.H.I.E.L.D ambulance and they were at the hospital in minutes. As doctors tried to stop the bleeding, Tony gripped Steve's hand tightly and promised him that everything would be okay. They would walk out of that hospital with their son or daughter, and they'd be the happy family that Steve always dreamed about. Even as the doctors and nurses' faces looked panicked, Tony tried to keep calm and assure Steve that the birth was going without a hitch.

Promises meant nothing, however, and as soon as their son was brought into this world Steve's life was gone in a flash. He had lost too much blood, and no amount of healing ability could have saved him. As they nurses took the premature infant away to the pediatric intensive care unit, the doctors tried desperately to revive Steve. They used a defibrillator and CPR in an attempt to save his life, but it was too late; Steve was gone and he was never coming back.

Tony was completely devastated, and all of the trauma Steve's death and their child's premature condition drove Tony off the deep end and he grabbed his dead husband's corpse and shook it, screaming in his lifeless face to wake up. The nurses grabbed him, took him down to the mental health wing of the hospital and restrained him on a bed. They were terrified about what he would do, and as Tony squirmed and tried to escape the restraints they sedated him, causing him to drift off into a deep sleep.

When he woke up, they informed him that while his child had survived was perfectly fine, Steve had passed away. Tony tried to refuse the news and continued to tell them that they were full of shit, but the more the doctors stressed to him that Steve was in fact gone it began to sink in. He would have to take care of their child by himself, and the man who wanted a child more than anything in the world would never get the opportunity to even hold his newborn son.

Two weeks later Tony was able to take baby Peter home, and while he loved the child and was thankful that at least one of the two made it out alive, Tony secretly still cared about Steve more. There were times when he would silently condemn Peter for Steve's death, and on occasion he would pass the newborn off to Pepper for a day or two so he could just lie in bed or spend time at Steve's graveside.

As the weeks and months passed, he was able to at least overcome his slight resentment toward Peter and give him as much love as he could muster. But every time their baby reached a milestone in development, such as crawling, babbling, and laughing, Tony's heart sank. He was happy and excited as a parent to see his baby growing, but it crushed him that Steve wasn't there to see any of it. Those were the days that hurt the most, and often he would visit his late husband's grave immediately after Peter's accomplishments occurred.

"Well Steve, Peter just said his first word today. It was 'Steve' actually. I talk about you all the time to him, and though I know he has no idea what I'm saying and will more than likely forget, it was great that he said your name first. You deserve to be here more than me, you really do. I should be worm food, not you. We should have just made me go through the pregnancy. Sure I would have hated it and I would have been miserable, but maybe then you'd be here and caring for Peter. Peter would have liked you better anyway, and now I'm only going to have stories about you and pictures of you carrying him to show for it.

"Jesus, Steve, this is fucking hard. He's a handful, he shits himself all the time and he cries a lot. It's probably because he knows that you're dead and I'm just a shitty substitute for the love you could have given him. Maybe there's some baby intuition or something, I don't know. But whenever I look at him, all I see is you, Steve. He looks a lot like you… Sure you may not have been as handsome as me but hey, you were the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen. Hopefully Peter takes after you. Wait, scratch that. I don't want him to fuck everything that moves like I did.

"It feels like you just died yesterday, you know that? Peter turned one today and we had a big party for him, but I couldn't even be happy about it because I know that you're never going to see him. All you are is dead. There was nothing for you in all this. And you know what? Sometimes I really wish I'd never hyphenated my name. It's a damn shitty reminder every time I sign my name on papers for Pepper… Maybe I should get it changed back to Stark, it might take away some of these miserable fucking feelings I have. God I'm so depressed Steve, and Peter can't even help me get through this because of course he just had to look like you.

"Sometimes I wonder if we should have ever gotten married. If we never did you'd still be here and I wouldn't be a fucking train wreck. Opening up to you was one of the worst decisions of my life, you know that? I let you in, and look what happened; you fucking died on me, Steve. You left me here to do this alone, even though you wanted this more. Tell me, Steve, why didn't you fight harder to live? You always did during battles, but when it mattered most you just gave up.

"It doesn't really matter, I guess. My feelings don't, my words don't, and my life doesn't now that you're not in it. I tried to die, Steve. Maybe if there is something like Heaven, which was still pretty foolish on your part to get your hopes up, I'd get to see you again. But I couldn't do it. I'd look over at Peter and realize that if I made him grow up without at least one of us I'd be pretty fucking selfish. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm trying not to disappoint you, Steve, but it's hard to live up to the legacy you left behind.

"I can't keep coming here to talk to you like this, I'm just going to drive myself crazy, if I'm not already, which I totally think I am. I mean look at me, I'm talking to a headstone for God's sake! I still wear your ring, even though I shouldn't because it doesn't mean shit anymore. It was a promise we made, sure, but now that you're dead it's worthless. Bye, Steve. I love you," Tony wiped the tears away from his eyes as he removed his wedding ring, put it in a black velvet box with the engagement ring he'd gotten all those years ago and buried it underneath Steve's headstone.

After he put Peter to bed, he went into his room, closed the door and changed into a pair of Steve's old pajama pants. He had to pull the drawstrings as tight as they could go to keep them from slipping off; he'd lost a lot of weight since Steve died, and he'd been unable to gain any of it back. Tony slowly slipped into his side of the bed, pulled the covers up over his head and cried.

He thought back to the day Steve proposed; they took a long walk in Central Park in the middle of fall, and Steve pointed out all of his favorite colored leaves. Even though Tony thought it was a bit boring and was annoyed by how itchy the wool scarf Steve had gotten him was, he still enjoyed it all the same. He loved holding hands with Steve openly and publicly, and watching people take pictures and gasp at their appearance in the park made him feel as if he had the only prize the world had to offer. When Tony sat down on a park bench, Steve didn't join him; instead, he got down on one knee, pulled out the velvet box and opened it, revealing a beautiful silver ring with thin red, gold, and blue lines intertwined in the center of the ring. Tony smiled as he thought back to look on Steve's face when he agreed to marry him. He'd never seen a bigger smile on Steve's face, and it was definitely one of the happiest moments of Tony's life. He couldn't imagine a better ring, or a better moment for Steve to pop the question.

When he thought back to those memories, he realized he'd made a terrible mistake in burying them under Steve's headstone. Tony quickly slipped Steve's old leather jacket and a pair of slippers on and ran out of the tower to the private graveyard where his late husband was buried. It was raining buckets outside, and by the time he arrived at Steve's grave he was soaked to the bone.

"Steve! I didn't mean all of those things I said! I'm going to visit you every day, and I'm going to leave you marigolds and all of the other flowers you like so much, I promise. I'm going to bring Peter with me sometimes, and he'll talk to you just like I do! God I'm so sorry Steve, I didn't mean it! All of this really does matter and I take it all back!" Tony sobbed uncontrollably as he dug into the soggy wet ground to retrieve the box with the beautiful rings Steve gave him that symbolized their love and commitment.

The rings were gone, however, and he had no idea where they went. He wasn't sure who possibly could have taken tehm; the cemetery was private and the only way a person could gain access was through a retinal scan and entering a long, complex password. None of that mattered to him at that point; all he could think about was the fact that the rings were gone and he'd never see them again. He clung to Steve's gravestone and apologized over and over again until he wore himself out, and he fell asleep in the cold rain, covered in mud, grass, and tears.

When Tony woke up he found himself back in his own bed. He looked around in confusion and shock, wondering how he managed to make it home. As he regained consciousness, he noticed that he was no longer covered in dirt and grass, and he smelled like the cheap Irish Spring soap that Steve used to love so much. He never did bother to throw the bars of soap away, and whenever he really missed Steve he'd use it.

"Missing these?" Tony heard a voice asked from behind him, and when he turned his head to look at where the noise came from he fell off the bed in shock.

"No, no, this isn't happening. I'm not crazy, I'm just exhausted. Yeah that's it; I'm tired and I'm just seeing things. There's nothing there, it's all in my head…" Tony chanted to himself as he backed himself up against the wall and stared at the thing in his bed.

He watched as the glowing blue figure got out of the bed, walked around it and knelt directly in front of him. The strange thing in front of him pulled a dirty box out of its pocket and handed it to Tony, who hesitantly took it from its hands. He carefully opened the velvet box, and he saw the engagement and wedding rings that Steve had given them inside.

"It's okay, Tony, I'm not mad about the things you said. You were just upset and didn't mean it. So Peter really did say my name first?" the blue figure asked as it began to take a definite shape and after staring at its face Tony realized it was Steve.

"You're just in my imagination…You can't be giving me this box. I must have found it," Tony stared wide eyed at the person in front of him, and he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

He slowly put his hand in front of the figure that appeared to be Steve, and it took Tony's hand and placed it against his face. The figure radiated warmth, and the heat felt wonderful on Tony's cold, damp hands. Tony was in a state of shock, and before he could speak the glowing blue person pressed its finger to his lips.

"Tony, I know you think you're going crazy but you're not. I'm Steve, I promise. God sent me back to take care of you and Peter," Steve said with a warm smile as he removed his fingers from Tony's lips and kissed him softly, causing his husband's heart to race in his chest.

"This is crazy, Steve. I don't believe this… So God really exists, huh? And what are you supposed to be exactly, a 'guardian angel' or something?" Tony asked suspiciously as he hesitantly pressed another kiss to Steve's lips, and he knew that his mind wasn't playing tricks on him; the figure kissed and tasted just the way Steve did when he was alive.

"It's difficult to explain. You see, when you're in heaven you can't see your loved ones or hear them unless they come to your gravesite. God lets us listen in, and I've heard everything you've said since I died. I'm glad you've updated me on Peter's progress, and to honest I'm surprised you came and visited me. I thought you'd shut down and never come back," Steve answered honestly as he looked deep into Tony's brown eyes and wiped away the tears that fell from them.

"Steve, how could you think that? I couldn't leave if I tried! I guess something in me maybe knew you could hear me, I don't know. It was just this weird feeling and I couldn't stand being away from you. I'm sorry I haven't brought Peter along, I just don't want him to see me the way I am when I visit you… Do you have wings? And how long are you going to be here?" Tony changed the topic, and he shuddered at the thought of all of the terrible and hurtful things he'd said at Steve's graveside.

Steve slowly stood up, brought his arms up into the air and two large white angel's wings appeared. He fluttered them open and looked down at Tony, whose jaw dropped in complete and utter shock at the sight. Tony never thought that angels existed, and the fact that Steve became one and had proved him wrong about the existence of an afterlife terrified him, yet made him feel relieved at the same time. He finally had his husband back, albeit not in his original form, and he was thankful for the opportunity to be with him again.

"I'm going to be here until you die, Tony. You're never going to have to be without me again, though I need to tell you that you and Peter are the only two people who can see and touch me. Peter already knows that he's the only one who can see me besides you; God wired it into his brain, so even though he can't speak yet he'll never say a word about me unless he's with you. He couldn't do that to you though, since his powers don't work as effectively on already developed brains. If you tell anyone about me I have to go back, Tony, so please don't spill the beans," Steve explained as he helped Tony up off of the floor and wrapped his arms around him.

"I won't Steve, I promise. I love you and I'm sorry for being so wea-" Tony began to apologize again for his hurtful words, but Steve cut him off.

"You weren't weak, Tony, you grieve just like everyone else does. But it really doesn't matter now, I'm here and I'm never going to leave you again. I love you, and I'm here to stay, I can promise you that," Steve reassured Tony as he tipped up his husband's chin and gave him the sweetest and gentlest kiss Tony had ever experienced.

After a year of depression, contemplations of suicide and raising a child alone, in one single night all of his pain was washed away. Tony had Steve back, and he was thankful that even death couldn't keep them apart.


End file.
